Redwall Jeopardy

By Greystreak the blade

*Abbott Mordalfus, who is the host, steps up to the podium.*

Mordalfus:Welcome, welcome, squirrels and otters,falcons and owls, hedgehogs and mice, and all you vermin who aren't armed with sharp pointy things.

Swartt, who is in the audience: Stupid security.

Mordalfus: Now, let's meet our contestants, Martin, General Ironbeak and Sunflash the Mace!

Martin: Thank you, thank you very much.

General Ironbeak: Kraa! My tailfeathers itch!

Sunflash: This podium is way to small.

Mordalfus: Now let's see who's a few fries short of a Happy Meal on REDWALL JEOPARDY!!

Martin: Finally

Mordalfus: Martin,choose a category.

Martin:Uh....I'll take 'Overweight Villians' for $300.

Mordalfus: This big baddie kept Mariel of Redwall as a slave and a then pushed her out to sea.

Martin:Uh....who is Gabool the Wild?

Mordalfus:Yes! That is correct for $300!

*crowd cheers*

Martin:Wooohooo who's the man! I'll take 'Badger Lords' for $500.

Mordalfus:This Lord has a black walking stick and is wise and confident.

*Sunflash hits his buzzer,sending sparks flying everywhere*

Sunflash: RUSSANO! RUSSANO!

Mordalfus: Ohhhh i'm SORRY that is INCORRECT. You must say 'Who is' before stating an answer.

Sunflash: !@$%$!!!

Mordalfus: Ummmm we'll be right back as soon as we calm down Sunflash before he sinks into Bloodwrath. Now here's some messages from the sponsors.

*ducks as a cameraman flys over him*

Mordalfus: OK then, Sunflash is under control, temporarily, that is. On to the next question--Ironbeak?

Ironbeak:Scraa! I am General Ironbeak, Fear of the Northlands! No one dare opposes me! I-

Mordalfus:WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!?

*squawks of rage from rooks in the audience, suddenly silenced after a loud thump and a growl from a badger.*

Mordalfus:Thank you Constance.

Constance: Birdbags.

Ironbeak:*grumbles* Kraaa! Ok I shall take 'Big Birdies' for $900.Scrawww!!

Mordalfus:This bird was crucially injured by SOMEONE'S army of rooks, then taken into Redwall and nursed back to health.

Ironbeak:Heh heh heh. I don't know the fat old bird's name, but it was a heck of lot of fun to watch my rooks tear it to pieces. *laughs*

Bird voice from audience: You gonna pay for dat, Irronbum!

Ironbeak:*turns pale*

Stryk Redkite: i gonna deal with you aftershow, crowbird.Yougonna paybig!

Mordalfus: Ok OK no fights in showtime. Anyway, Ironbeak that answer was wrong, you must give the NAME of the subject. That leaves YOU with a score of -900.Next Sunflash.

*Sunflash's fur is ruffled, has some cuts on his body from struggle*

Sunflash:I'll......take.....'Weapons of Vermin' for 700.....please.

Mordalfus:This spinning weapon was used by the fox slaver Slagar the Cruel.

Sunflash:Um.....what is.......a bolas......

Mordalfus:Correct! That puts you past Martin and up into 1st.BUT we'll see who's really gonna win in the FINAL JEOPARDY, which is next,after a message from our sponsors. MARTIN WAKE UP!!

Martin:*snort*Gonff that's MY pastie! *snuffle* Wha?

Mordalfus: Okey now, you lucky beasts, it's time for FINAL JEOPARDY!

Sunflash:Jeez, Alfy, calm down. Don't get TOO excited.

Mordalfus:*snorts* Whatever. Your question is......What color is Redwall Abbey?

*lights dim and Gonff comes in and plays Jeproady music on flute*

Mordalfus: Okey, your time's up. Martin, you said "Red" which is correct! You wagered 999999999 to the 40th power so you have.....er.....a heck of lot of money. Next, Iropnbeak, you said "I am Ironbeak, greatest fighter in all the Northlands", which is WRONG! You wagered $55555555555555
So you have no money whatsoever, meaning you are a brainless twit, an utter moron. Stryk, he's sickening me, get 'im girl.

Ironbeak:*gulps* I must leave, IMMEDIATLY. *flys out of room,with Stryk, who is loaded with machine guns and cattle prods, is hot on his tail.*

Mordalfus:*laugh* Next, Sunflash, you said "a color that is kinda red but kinda blue and green and purple and pink and brown and black" which is WRONG. Heaven help us, do badgers EVER get education?

Sunflash:Uh, not unless you count Mrs. Rose Eyes "How to Kill A Vermin Without Getting Your Hands Dirty" class I took a few seasons ago. Man that was so--

Mordalfus:NEVER MIND! Ok then, Martin you obviously win, with a score of.....um......a lot of money, and Sunflash, I'm sorry but you lose. With a score of -5555555555555, I sure hope you find a University for Badgers somewhere near Salamandastron, 'cause you REALLY need it. Good night all, and join me next time for another exciting episode of REDWALL JEOPARDY.

Sunflash:There you go with that over-enthusiastic thing again.

Martin:Wooooohooo I'm buying a Porsche!

Mordalfus and Sunflash and audience: WHAT'S A PORSCHE?

Martin: Oh er, heh heh,I think I hear Gonff calling, must run.*flees from studio*

Mordalfus:G'night.


NOTE:No woodland creatures were harmed during the making of this fic, with the exception if General Ironbeak, who took a few "bullets through the beak", so to speak. He's now in the Mossflower County Hospital. You'll notice him if you visit, because he's the one with the full-bodycast and one wing. END NOTE.