Redwall Toys 2!

Panelist: Temm-lock

‘sup. Surely you’ve heard of the popular Redwall humor piece ‘Redwall Toys’. If you haven’t, then… well too bad. (Meaning- you can read it by looking in the TRC archives for “TRC Classics: Redwall Toys”)
This is a list of more Redwall Toys that never made it to the shelves.

Luke the warrior chain!

Finally, you can live all the magic of Redwall in your own home! This chain is pure steel, 6 feet long and comes complete with safety lock and key, in case you need it for some odd reason. Great for children over 4 months old who really love Redwall.

Fun fact: Luke the Warrior chain can also be used to restrain children over 5 months with behavior problems!

Problems: The plastic links of the chain tend to get caught on couch pillows and carpet. Buying this product often leads to lawsuits.

Warning: DO NOT allow your child to act out all the ‘magic’ of Redwall with Luke the Warrior chain.

Price: $34.76 ($34.72 with rebate from uselessgifts.com!)

Redwall beverage recipe book for kids!

Ever wanted to try a flagon of October Ale? Well now your children can with this great recipe book! Be just like a cellarhog and brew your own fine beverages! Tons of fun and tons of taste for the whole family!

Fun fact: choose the six-year brewing plan for a crisper taste.

Problems: the spine of the book is made rather cheaply and the pages have been known to fall out. The only recipes are for strong alcoholic beverages.

Warning: Keep drinks FAR away from children.

Price: $12.76

Dark Forest play-set!

The ultimate in Redwall merchandising! This astounding play set includes talking action figures of many dead Redwall creatures, including Cluny the Scourge, Rose, Russa Nodrey, Sawney Wrath, Warbeak and many more. Just press the button on the figure’s back and hear a famous line from the popular Redwall fantasy book series.

Fun fact: One of the trees serves as a platform for the Warbeak figure!

Problems: Most of the figures’ speech is vulgar and may be offensive to some people. The Warbeak platform can easily snap off and be choked upon by small children.

Warning: Keep out of reach of children under 18.

Price: $87.76

Nimballo’s glass mug!

Amazing, glass, freezable mug displaying a wonderfully draw picture of Nimballo! You can drink both hot and cold drinks in this mug and it won’t melt! Excellent for young Redwall fans who just have to own a mug!

Fun fact: Purchase Nimballo’s glass mug with Redwall beverage recipe book for kids and get a discount!

Problems: The drawing on the mug is of a crow soaring above a Wal-mart. Glass mug is fragile. Mug will melt if exposed to temperatures over 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

Warning: Do not purchase unless you absolutely have to own a mug.

Price: $10.00