TRC Classics:

Redwall toys!

By Temmlock 

Martin the warrior’s sword!

  Made of durable plastic, which bends easily; great fun for every child over 6 months old. Can be filled with candy if desired.

  Fun fact: The Red Pommel stone is an edible peppermint!

  Problems: Plastic is nimble and breaks easily. The sword displays a picture of a flaming skull with profanity coming out of its mouth: not good for children at all.

  Warning: DO NOT fill sword with candy! Even if the plastic can withhold the weight and keep from shattering and sending candy flying in every which direction, it still contains fumes that are hazardous to your child’s health. And also DO NOT eat the red pommel stone.

  Price- $10.00

  Gonff the mousethief’s flute!

  A great gift for musically inclined children. It is plastic, shaped like a reed flute and really plays! Tons of fun!

  Fun fact: The flute can also serve as a straw!

  Problems: If you enjoy listening to AWFUL screeching every second, then this is the toy for you! Small children have been known to flush it down the toilet, forcing their parents to call a plumber.

  Warning: Extreme caution should be observed. Musical tones can damage your eardrums and/or cause you to partially lose your ability to hear.

  Price- $8.73

Mokkan’s big bag of glass marbles!

Very cool. Worth the money!

  Fun fact: Marbles roll!

  Problems: Marbles roll. Words speak for themselves. Can be irritating and can pose a hazard to anyone who trips on them. One question: Why?

  Warning: Choking hazard.

  Price: $0.99

  Redwall Abbey playset (cardboard)!

  Act out the series with the new Redwall Abbey playset! Includes over 20,000 pieces and a Martin the fighter figurine (Not to be confused with Martin the Warrior).

 Fun fact: The West battlements are made out of matchbox material and when you strike a match on them, they catch fire!

  Problems: The West battlements can catch fire. This poses a health hazard to small children and/or adults in charge of the small children. Also, the cardboard pieces are nearly impossible to fit together and often get lost before the main building is put together.

  Warning: Highly flammable!

  Price: $39.48

  Redwall Blasto! A Redwall video game!

  Your kids will love this new game for Nintendo 64/Nintendo Gamecube. Play as Spookoo the lion as you travel through two action packed levels: Redhall abby and Mossplant forest. Use your fire breathing abilities to call down the Sacrepook to help you on your way. Amazing graphics and great fun!

  Fun fact: The Sacrepook can blast bad guys like an old door!

  Problems: The plot has nothing in particular to do with Redwall and the title is misleading. The graphics are 2d and awful. It is only for Nintendo 64 and Nintendo Gamecube (What other company would put out a game this bad). The game teaches children bad morals and that life is as easy as a slice of Coconut flan.

  Warning: Strange graphic designs, continuous explosion noises, awful game music, and incessant flashing lights are known to cause seizures or insanity.

  Price: $45.99

  The entire collection of Redwall figurines!

  Wow, the entire (Or at least the main characters) cast of the Redwall series in the form of plastic! Complete with Madd the squirrel; Urthwhyte the badger Lord; Log a log Dinny; Abbot Saxtus; Ballaw the hare; Durry Quill and Skullface!

  Fun fact: The durry quill figure’s arms move up and down!

  Problems: The group of figures falls somewhat short of the real cast of Redwall and seems to include many of the unpopular characters. The Durry Quill figure is spiny and sharp, the Skullface figure is just a skeleton and the Madd the squirrel figure looks extremely dorky. The rest are better, but still unrecognizable. They are all extremely fragile and can break on a whim.

  Warning: Durry Quill figure is sharp and can injure small children. Small pieces that break off may be a choking hazard. Also, Log a log’s rapier has been known to get caught in the windpipe.

  Price: $388.56