How to introduce a friend to Redwall

Panelist: A-tha-lia nhc

Before you begin, you should have the following things:
-a room with table and 2 chairs.
-good, strong rope.
-a loaded gun.*
-every piece of Redwall merchandise you can get (every book, trading card, kit, etc.).

The only steps you should NOT skip are the first two and final two steps. They are critical to the
success of the introduction.

¤ Lead your friend into the room and ask them to sit down (you may sit down too).

¤ Lock the door to keep your friend from escaping (likewise for any windows).

¤ Ask, "Have you ever read Redwall?".

¤ Briefly tell your friend about the series (the author, book titles, plots, etc.).

¤ Show them a copy of a Redwall book.

¤ Show them 3 copies of other Redwall books.

¤ Show them copies of the entire series including "The Great Redwall Feast", "Tribes of Redwall", etc.

¤ Show them every item related to Redwall that you own (from trading cards, to posters, to a build your own Redwall Abbey kit).

¤ Remove sharp objects that your friend may use to hurt his/herself.**

¤ Laugh insanely.

¤ Tie your friend to a chair and, at gun point, force them to read each and every last Redwall related book, no matter how long it takes!

Hopefully, after completing these steps, you will have successfully introduced your ex-friend to Redwall and earned your own, personal padded cell at the local asylum! Good luck and have fun!

* Editor's note: Makes for conversation.

**Editor's note: It isn't the pain that counts, its the mental strain. You must work the psychology of your ex-friend to give into the will of Martin.