TRC Classics

Cooking with Ublaz

By Greysteak the Blade

Here's another humor fic,brought to you by...me. It's based on one of those shows that you see on the Food Channel,the one's that show how to cook "delicious" meals. Well. Move your eyes downward and READ THE LITTLE LETTERS!! THOSE THINGS FORM WORDS!!! OK. READ IT NOW!!


*show opens with the camera going over the audience then zooming in on Ublaz.*

Big Announcer Voice: Welocme to Coooooking with Ublaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzz!! *cough cough wheeze*

Ublaz: Welcome all you lucky suckers today we're going to make an oldtime favorite:Spinach Puffs! But first,I'm gonna show you how I got all these ingredients for low prices!!

*screen switches to Ublaz standing ina grocery store*

Ublaz:*holds the camera to his face* Well today I'm going to....er....get some spinach for the spinach puffs.
*he puts some spinach in a bag and walks up to the cashier*

Cashier:Hello sir. May I help you?

Ublaz: Look into my eeeeeeeyyyeeeeeeeesss.....

Cashier: You know you have something in your tee--*head slumps down*

Ublaz: When I snap my fingers,you will wake up,and you will let me have this stuff for free,then sing the theme song to Bob the Builder while eating sharp pointy things. Got it?

Cashier: Ookkk.....

*Ublaz snaps his fingers*

Cashier:Alrighty sirrrr you may leeeaaaaaave...

Ublaz: Mwuhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *breathe* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Am I evil? You bet! *walks out*

Cashier: BOB THE BUILDER! Can we fix it?!? BOB THE BUILDER!! Yes we-- *shoves sharp pointy things into her mouth*

*screen switches to Ublaz back in the studio*

Ublaz: Remember kids don't try that at home. Making a grocery store cashier sing the theme song for Bob the Builder could mentally affect your health--and the victim's sanity. Anyway,we'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors. *sneezes*
____________________________________

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*screen switches back to Ublaz.*

Ublaz: Well uh, let's get started. First,you must preheat the oven to 400 degrees farenheight, I think. *twists knob* There we-- *oven explodes and Ublaz flies backwards into a wall.*

Ublaz: Commercial! *cough* COMMERCIAL!!
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Foremole: Burr, do you need a trench dug? A tunnel builted? A trench,uh,trenched? Well just call 1-800-DIGMEHOLE and us mole fellers will fix ya up righty way. Burr,it's only $600
a hole. Expensive? You bet it is. Stupid? Well ya,that's whoi oim in a hoomor fic right now. Boi okey, you people are wierd.
__________

Ublaz: *has an arm cast on* Ookkk folks, let's try to bake these thing without any more explosions. OK I set the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, and now I'm rolling the spinach. Roll the green into little balls about the size of-- HEY!! YOU IN THE CROWD!! GET OFF THAT HANGING FLOURESCENT LIGHT!!! IT'S INSURED!! IT'S ALSO NOT SCREWED IN ALL THE WAY!!

*there's a crash and the audience oooos.*

Ublaz: Man,some people....ok like I was saying, roll the spinach into bite-size balls. *rolls them* Ok no one's injured. MAN what a good sign!! Woohoo,I'M SOOOO HAPP-- *counter collapses*

*crowd oooos*

Ublaz: I told Cubby NOT to get the collapsible counter......oh well....COMMERCIAL!!! *hits head on wall*
__________________


Sela:*spy music plays* You need inside information,while being healed? Me and my son Chickenhound will help you no problem. We are masters in espionage. And don't worry, YOU will not be cheated. We promise. *wink* Just call 1-800-SPYGAME and we'll solve all your spying and healing needs. Price will be discussed later. Also,if your name is Cluny the Scourge or Constance,we will not accept your buisness. For,ahem, PERSONAL reasons. Have a nice day. *eats a doughnut*
___________________


Ublaz: Weeeeeeee're BACK and THIS time we have a STONE counter,weighted down with lead. So. Anyway, let's continue. After you have rolled the spinach balls,get your storebought or homemade cooking dough out and squash it into little pancakes. *smashes dough* Then--

*all of a sudden fire bursts out of the oven and keeps on spouting out*

Ublaz: DANG BLAST IT!! CUBBY, CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT AGAIN!! IT'S A CODE RED!! I REPEAT CODE RED!! *turns back to camera and smiles* We'll be right back. *ducks as a fireball flys over him*
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King MacPhearsome: *is on top of a snowy mountain and a blizzard is blowing on* Heelo! It's me,the mighty King MacPhearsome,with another vacation bargain!!!! For only $500 a person, you can visit the my mighty mountains!! Ski,sled,and snowboard! Pick Icetor flowers! Sightsee all the mighty eagles! Also,the price is discounted if you're a small woodland creature that is juicy and tender....*licks beak* Er I mean come to the mountains!! Offer ends the Spring of the Blue Spinach Puffs!

____________________

Ublaz: We're back, with one charred stagehand and a broken oven. *kicks it and a short burst of flame spurts out* I swear that's things posessed. *oven laughs evilly* Well, we're going to have to finish the with a microwave. After you've smashed the dough, put the spinach balls in the panckaes and wrap the dough around the ball. *confuses self* I mean put the spinach on the dough and cover the spinach with the dough. Yeah that's it. Ok once you've done that, put them all on a well-greased pan and stick the things in the microwave. *puts them in* Then,set the timer to 45 minutes. *sets it and presses start,then runs behind a wall of iron with a little glass window on it.*

Ublaz: *looks through window* Ok folks,this is just a safety precaution, we don't want any pine martens hurt.

*suddenly a burning spinach puff shoots out of the microwave and goes over wall of iron right onto Ublaz*

Ublaz: AHHHHHH!! HOT HOT!! *runs around*

Audience:STOP DROP AND ROLL!!! *laughs*

Ublaz: We'll be right back,as soon as I can get some decent medical attention.
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Nightshade:*talks like a Jamaican* Hallo everyone. I am Miss Cle-- I mean Nightshade the Vixen, and I see all. If you want your fortune read, call toll-free at 1-800-PSYCHICFOX. Ah'll read yo fortune using genuine tarot cards, which work EVERY time. Only $50 minute, and $10 a minute afta that. Call NOW!
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Ublaz: *groan* We're back and we're almost out of time--thank God-- and we're going to finish the spinach puffs. *pulls them outta the microwave*

*crows oooos*

Ublaz:*looks down at them* Well folks that's what you get when you make spinach puffs using a microwave oven, a broken arm, and an insane audience. A batch of black,crusty,and rancid balls of dough that look like over-sized rabbit terds.

*crowd laughs*

Ublaz: Thank you for coming to the show. Now....WHO WANTS SPINACH PUFFS?!??

*crowd suddenly evacuates*

Ublaz: *sigh* This is Ublaz signing out saying...."I hate my life." See you next time,maybe, on COOKING WITH UBLAZ!!

*credits roll*

Grey: Wheeeeeeeeeheeeeeeee another one's coming soon,so don't stop reading Grey's Humor Fics!