The Legend of Spoon Paw, the fairly uneducated

Chapter One

Panelist: Spoon-Paw

Seven seasons had passed since that fateful day when

Spoon had been found.  Spoon had grown to be a very

handsome creature, but although he was quite good

looking for a squirrel he was a full-fledged idiot. 

At four seasons old he had had a pet tick.  Now as

many creatures of even that age know ticks don’t drink

scalding hot oil.  Spoon did not know.  But throughout

his life his father figure had tried as hard as

possible to school Spoon, no matter how stupid he was.

 Finally lord Hungarian came to the conclusion

that Spoon was extremely daft.

    But this morning was a bit different from all others.

 This day was Spoon’s birthday, which was always known

as Russian Palooski Day throughout the mountain

stronghold.  The occupants of Salamandastron had all

taken their seats, Sergeant Bottom Scratcher who

happened to be sitting next to Spoon tried to make

conversation with him, “Happy birthday me lad, how old

are you again?”

    “I have various objects in my pants” Spoon replied.

    There was a very long silence until the sergeant

decisively moved several seats in the opposite

direction, which didn’t really matter because the seat

was taken by Lord Hungarian.  “So, Spoon how do you

feel?” He tried to actually have a complete

conversation with the squirrel, “I can’t believe it’s

been seven whole seasons since we found you, it seems 

like yesterday.”

    Staring blankly into the badger’s face he

half-answered, “insanity is a virtue”

    The badger, being used to the unusual dialect tried

for the first time to communicate with the squirrel in

the same way Spoon had all his life, “One lumberjack

in the hand is worth two cow pies in the other.”

    All talking at the breakfast table ceased

immediately.  All eyes were on the Badger Lord as if

Spoon’s stupidity had rubbed off completely on Lord

Hungarian, even Spoon looked completely perplexed at

this turn of events.

    Feeling it was his duty to make the Badger Lord look

good, Sergeant Bottom started quietly applauding

Hungarian.  Instantly all residents of the mountain

burst into praise for what they pretended to be words

of wisdom.  

After the whistling, crying, and glorifying ceased the

doors burst open and a lone hare stumbled in moaning

and crying out.

“They’re coming, they’re coming!!!”  He rambled on,

“They’re coming, THEY’RE COM-” he was silenced by an

arrow through the throat.

All was silent until a hare’s head could be seen

popping into the entrance, “Got the blighter, been 

chasin’ him all night” he continued to walk in not

noticing that all eyes were on him “Ah, I see I’ve

come in time for breakfast, wot is it today old chaps

oatmeal?  Hmm, seems no one’s exactly talkative today”

still walking he finally tripped over the dead hare,

“Whoa there old chaps, wot in the?” realizing what he

had done he went into a frolic of swear words (which,

according to the rating system, we can’t even say on

the Internet which means what he was saying was pretty

<bleeping> bad).

Spoon realizing what the hare had done tried his hand

at helping him out (remember he’s stupid but at least

he tried), “That bloody murderer, he’s nothing but a

scum sucking vermin.” Everyone turned their heads to

face Spoon Paw, “He’s killed once and he’ll do it

again, I say we taunt him until his whiskers burst

into flame and color changing markers come out of his

nose” at that he leaped clear to the entrance where

the swearing hare sat whispering in his ear, “No need

to thank me old friend it’s just what friends do.”

Screaming and yelling the hares dragged him off

taunting him with such insults as: “peek-a-boo” and

“ouch I stubbed my toe.”

When they left Spoon looked up at all the hares and

strode off looking like a hero.