TRC CLASSICS

The Redwall Newscast

By Greystreak the Blade

(One of Grey's earlier humor fics!)

Hello. My name's Greystreak the Blade. I'm been writing humor fics for like a few months and I LOVE IT!! So, for all you people who see this, it's been written by a completely insane squirrel. It's all clean, there's no swearing no bad stuff.
So, enjoy, and don't worry, if you liked it, there's more on the way. Once again, enjoy.

____________________

*news music plays. The two anchors, Martin and Rose, sit at the desk shuffling papers.*

Martin, in stiff newscaster voice: Welcome to the Redwall Newscast, where all woodlanders report Mossflower News as if it were a joke. Which it is. Rose?

Rose: Yes Martin sweety, that's correct. Ok, to the top story today: Ublaz Mad Eyes is planning to overrun Mossflower with INFLATABLE DUCKS! That's right, nflatable ducks. Here's Gonff the Mousetheif with the rest of the story.

*screen changes to Gonff, who is on a boat near Sampetra*

Gonff:Tiddley dee, woo this is fun. Nice tropical waters, a light breeze.....oh yes the story. Well, as Rose nicely puts it, Ublaz is trying to overrun Mossflower with inflatable ducks. These ducks,who are evidently harmless, are yellow and have orange beaks.*coughs* Well, it seems as though old Ublaz has, ahem, hit the roof, and we don't really--HOLY COWS!!

*a large yellow inflatable duck flies into the camera, leaving static. Screen switches back to Martin and Rose.*

Martin: That was....out of the ordinary. Ahem. Next, we--

*a Dibbun pops in front of the camera, with a hat on that says "ZIM WILL RULE"*

Martin: GET THAT KID OUTTA HERE!

Cameraman, who is a hulking otter: You got it boss.

*he picks up the Dibbun with little effort, carrying him away.*

Dibbun:Noooooo! Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Zim will RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---*door slams*

Martin: Sheesh, I thought those triple-thick bullet-proof glass windows were enough. Anyway, onto Ambrose Spike with Brewing News. Ambrose?

*Screen switches to Ambrose, who is sitting in a chair swigging October Ale*

Ambrose:*hic* Weeeellll todaaaaayy on *hic* Brewing News, weeeee *hic* will inspect the *hic* how clean our *hic* brewing companies *hic* are. Roll it.

*Screen switches to a fat squirrel, who is standing in a field in front of a brewery and is sweating profusely*

Squirrel: Er,er,despite the rumors, I PROMISE you that we DO NOT have er,er, under-ground nuclear reactors that are under our brewery on the brink of detonating. Um, ur, I REPEAT, we do not---

*brewery behind him explodes with a mushroom shaped explosion, and a shockwave is racing toward the camera. It tips over giving a sideways view. The shockwave hits the camera, leaving static again. The screen switches to Ambrose Spike.*

Ambrose: There you*hic* have it folks,*hic* only accept Ambrose's Nutbrown Beer and *hic* other by-products.*He hiccups uncontrollably, tipping over in his chair. Screen switches to Martin and Rose*

Rose: Well,that was VERY strange. Next, it's Badgerlord Rawnblade with the Sports.Rawnblade?

*screen switches to Rawnblade, who is seated in an under-sized desk.*

Rawnblade: Yes yes,on Sports today,we have exciting news. The Badgerlord Football League,which I am quarterback for, is playing the International Football Vermin Association.Yes,it's go to be murder--literally. If you have a weak stomach I suggest you not watch that game.Your probably thinking WHY the vermin would be STUPID enough to play US.Well,I'll answer that now.The Head Coach,Ferahgo the Assasin,is paying the team QUITE a bit of money to play us.Ferahgo,mysteriously,is NOT participating in the game.Stranger still,he promised the vermin the money AFTER the game. Go figure. Back to you, Rose.

*Screen switches to Rose and Martin*

Martin: Vermin are brainless.Next story,we have Ballaw DeQuincewold with the Hollywood Headlines. Ballaw?

*screen switches to Ballaw,who is eating a pastie*

Ballaw: Scrnff,mmph,yes chaps,the news.*swallows* Well,the pretty squirrel actor Celandine married Felldoh the squirrel today,right after their big movie debut,"Emperor Felldoh's New Groove," with Abbess Tansy as Yzma,Bluggat as Kronk,Basil Stag Hare as Pacha,and Felldoh as Emperor Kuzco,with a new character added,Celandine as the Empress.Sounds highly amusing,wot? Also,look for the new horror movie "I Still Know What You Did 9 Summers Ago,Ublaz." Predicted to be a box-office dud,this rotter of a film stars an assortment of vermin.Not my type of bally film,eh wot? Back to you Martin.

*screen switches back to Martin and Rose*

Martin: Sadly,that's all the time we have today, but join us tommorrow on Redwall Newscast!

*an inflatable duck floats by, followed closely by a hovering styrofoam cow*

Martin: *hits his head down on desk* This job is too bizzare.

Rose: You said it,hon. Hey, want to see Empereor Felldoh's New Groove at the mall?

Martin: Sure!

*Martin and Rose walk off set.The camera is still rolling.the back of the styrofoam cow opens up,and Ublaz climbs out,whose eyes are wacked out and is foaming at the mouth.*

Ublaz (who is obviously insane): Hee hee hee hee hee.Yes President Clinton,take a seat. Hee hee hee hee. We have new wallpaper on the way,as well as some new socks. Hee hee hee hee. WHAT IS A GORILLA DOING IN HERE?!?! GET IT AWAY!!

*two squirrel security guards enter and drag Ublaz away.he is still muttering insanely.*

Ublaz: Yes,that llama looks nice on you. Oh my,the tea is still boiling.Hee hee hee hee...........

*Greystreak walks in*

Grey: Yes yes it's the end. If you thought it was too short, not funny, or utterly stupid I have the right to sue you down to your longjohns. Ok then. Good night. More of Grey's Humor Fics in development.

*credits roll down screen*