What It Would Be Like
If Redwall Characters
Did The Movies

Panelist: Grey-streak the Blade

You walk into your living room and plop on the couch. You grab the remote and hit
the power button. The TV flickers to life, and a show appears on the screen. You
see the History Channel symbol. You mutter under your breath, wishing you parents
had never made you watch that documentary last night. You decide to leave it on
and see if, possibly, there is anything remotely interesting. You hear the announcers
voice.
                         And next, we have a special on the War of Redwall Abbey,
narrated by Abbot Mordalfus.
You nearly fall out of your chair/sofa. Are you hearing things? Maybe you had too
many school lunches?
                         Yes, and heres the historical moment where Matthias drops the
Joseph Bell on Cluny the Scourge. Notice the wooden floor shatter under the Bells
weight...
                          You hit yourself in the head with the remote. Is it a dream? You
try to snap out of it by switching the channel to MTV. Your efforts are in vain.
                         This is Laterose of Noonvale with her latest hit, Oops I Did It
Again.
                          Onscreen is Rose singing like Britney Spears and dancing like a
mad person. You almost faint.
                          Now, you grab a random tape thats on the TV, desperate to try to
get back to reality. You shove the tape into the VCR and hit Play.
                          You say your prayers and hope there is a normal person onscreen.
What you see is not what you want.
                          There’s Martin, in the scene from The Matrix, dodging bullets
with a black leather jacket and sunglasses on. Well, thats not so bad.
                          But then your 4-year-old sibling walks into the room. He turns off
the movie and searches for the PBS channel.
                   But before you can object he has on the Barney show. You groan.
What will happen now?
                   There, in a purple dinosaur suit, is Bluggat, singing the I Love You
song. Your brother laughs and claps, but you, on the other hand.....
                   AAAAAUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
                   The terror is too much and you tear out of the house screaming.
You rush over to your friend’s house, hoping you’re just getting an alien television
signal. When you get there, your friend’s sister is watching a soap. You run over
and look at the screen, but......
                   Celandines there.
                   No, Felldoh, its too late. I thought you loved me, but you really just
loved.....my dish washer!!! She cries like you would see on any normal soap opera.
However, this is far from normal.
                    The sister looks at you. Whats wrong? This shows on every day, at
3:00 central. Its called The Squirrley and the Restless.
                    Now you run out of thier house. In the middle of the street, you fall
over, unable to take anymore. You hear footsteps. Someone is walking over to you.
You leap up, hoping its someone who isn't furry and has a tail. Dohhhhh.
                    Is something wrong? asked the old frail Abbot Bernard. I dont
know much about healing, but I know a bit about mental health.....
                    Then, suddenly, you wake up. You're in your bed. You grab the
digital clock at your bedside and look at it. Its 2:00 in the morning. You sigh with
relief. It was a dream. Too much Redwall RPing, you decide.
                    You climb out of bed for a glass of water. Right before you leave the
room, the TV flickers on. On the screen is Basil and Rosie doing Good Morning
America. You stop and stare at the screen.
                     A bally good morning America, Im Basil Stag Hare--
                     And I'm Hon Rosie, and we are the hosts of--
                     Good Morning America, wot!
                     You almost freak out, but then you think. It wont be that bad. You sit
down and watch Good Morning America, preparing to get used to seeing Redwall
characters a lot more often.

_____  
                      
Yeah, it came up weird....