My 2 Lousy Cents

#5

Panelist: Temm-lock

'sup and welcome again to 2LC! I have so much that I'd like to ramble about, but such a short attention span. All of you faithful readers of TRC will realize that this is the first ever issue with a front cover. Absolutely mystifying huh. 

Anyway, this month's topic for 2LC is Hygiene in Redwall. Because this month's topic for 2LC is Hygiene in Redwall, I am going to type:

Hygiene in Redwall

Have you ever thought about how Redwall characters wash themselves, besides jumping in the pond? How do they keep their teeth clean? Who cuts their nails? Who clips their fur? What if their breath smells bad? 

Most likely you haven't, but that's what this column is here for isn't it? To bring up things that you don't usually pay attention to.

Keeping clean

What if there were showers in Redwall? Maybe vermin would smell better. What about soap? Do the creatures just get in the pond and get out? What an ineffective way of staying clean. Shouldn't they use flea shampoo or something?

Dentistry

How do the creatures of Redwall still have teeth? They eat all of these tough foods etc. and never take time to clean their teeth. I think a dentist should come to Redwall Abbey and drill out all of their cavities. That might make those losers pay more attention to their mouths. He could make the babies cry and the grown mice scream. Think of the profit the dentist would make if he set up a practice near the abbey! I'm sure he could make ten times as much as a dentist does here.

Clipping and trimming

The poor beasts must have nails the size of a yardstick and long shaggy fur all over their bodies. Someone could set up a nail and hair salon in Mossflower and strike it rich. 

Enough of that. It really disturbs me. You know what time it is! It be time for Tem's Lousy Redwall Joke of the Month!

There was a um fish, who was very big. The fish was so big that it ate other fish! It was very big. Sometimes the very big fish ate other big fish! One day it was eating a Mc'donalds Big Fish when it heard a security alarm going off. It looked to see what it was and it was a bad guy breaking stuff.

I'm not even gonna bother to fake-laugh this time. That was not a joke in any way. Its not even funny to pretend like I thought it was funny. One word sums it up. Lousy.

Well, I guess I'll have to wrap up 2LC for June. It grieves me to do so, but I must. See ya' in 30 most likely, so don't forget.

~Tem