TRC Classics:

14 Failed Redwall Ideas

By Temmlock

(Tem's first ever attempt at humor. It inspired his somewhat later 'Redwall Toys' which appeared in the classics of the March Issue. It can be found in the TRC Archives.)

Here are fourteen ideas that didn't make it to the rw books, in honor of BJ's 14 novels. (It's funny)

1. Abbot Mordalfus weaves a picture of a crying clown into the center of the Redwall tapestry, over the image of Martin the Warrior. “It looked cool at the doctor’s office” he says as he explains to the abbeydwellers about what he has done.

2. Sunflash the mace converts his mace into a yoyo. “I can do tricks, like walk the rat and around the woods.” He exclaims as he shows off in front of the Long Patrol.

3. Matthias tries to kill abbot Mortimer to take over the abbotship of the abbey. “I didn’t go through all that trouble for nothing!” He yells as he is dragged away by Constance, kicking and squirming.

4. Tarquin has his name legally changed to Tarquinus Suberbus. “The last Roman king got away with it!” he tells everyone.

5. The abbeydwellers mistook drugs for bilberry scones and the ‘spirit of Martin’ is really only a bite of LSD.

6. Veil sues Redwall Abbey for discrimination and abuse.

7. Dannflor Reguba trades Martin’s sword for a Frisbee. “It’s more fun than some dumb ol’ sword anyway!” He tells the red faced spirit of Martin.

8. Lord Brocktree opens up a video store and invents the machine gun.

9. Ublaz buys a new pair of ‘hypnotizing glasses’ from Kellogg’s cereal company for a low price of three tears of all oceans. “Believe me, it was a good deal. You should’ve seen how much Post was charging!” he tells his captains.

10. The phenomenon in badger lords known as the bloodwrath is caused by high blood sugar and vitamin B6 deficiency.

11. Foremole and Skipper of otters light a smoke bomb in cavern hole, during a council of war.

12. Abbot Saxtus gets fired.

13. Deyna/Tagg skins the fox alive.

14. Warbeak and Tammo go together and start a restaurant in Mossflower called Mc’phearsomes. They serve icetorburgers, grilled scones, fried scones, baked scones, sautéed scones, rotisserie scones, blackened scones, scone scampi, double fried scones, scone shakes, raw scones, chargrilled scones, bbq scones, triple fried scones and triple cheeseburgers. As for drinks: carbonated October ale, carbonated cider, strawberry fizz with extra carbonation, and cherry coke. Sappy meals come with exclusive plastic toys, including: Cluny the scourge with carriage, (Press the button on the back and Cluny’s tail moves! Woopee!) Martin and the great grand graduates diploma, Tsarmina bath float (Screams piercingly when placed in water), Ferrahgo the assassin with cell phone (Cell phone moves up and down in hand!), foremole baby spoon (Digs tunnels in your baby food!), Joseph the Bellmaker with bell (Bell rings!), and last but not least……
Cregga Rose eyes figurine (Eyes are red!).

Quirks: Cluny and carriage is so fragile, that it’s lifespan is less than two seconds. Martin and the great grand graduates diploma has nothing to do with Redwall. Tsarmina bath float is too high pitched for the human ear to hear. Ferrahgo doesn’t use a cell phone in the books. Foremole spoon is always out of stock. Joseph the bellmaker and bell is totally screwed up: The proportions are wrong (The bell fits in Joseph’s hand) and it doesn’t ring (It was a lie). The Cregga figure does nothing at all.